


Separation Anxiety

by SailorStarDust1



Category: Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Post-Eva 3.33, Rei and Shinji sibling subtext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-15 05:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15405861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorStarDust1/pseuds/SailorStarDust1
Summary: Reality was sometimes painful—in times like these, a harsh necessity. In their devastated world, how could Asuka make that boy understand?





	Separation Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> I originally planned to rewrite an old (from 2009 or so?) multi-chapter Rebuild fic (potentially lost to the sands of time, anyway—there were some Mari = FAR shenanigans, lol), but I decided new is better :) The fic title's from one of my favorite BGMS. I so badly want the S² Works Rhythm Only version to be used in a psychological Shin Eva scene!
> 
> Shin Eva's 2020 release date has me hyped for Eva all over again, so here we are~

Their long, lonesome, trek across biting red sands would resume upon daybreak. Unchanging starlight from fourteen years ago streaked across a vast inky backdrop. Secrets of the universe and the Earth’s future from here on out, kept to itself.

Unsurprisingly, Rei had been mostly quiet, answering Asuka’s occasional queries about Nerv and other subjects with simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses. She currently assisted the trio with a campfire, boiling water within a small bowl procured from the former European Air Force Captain’s backpack.

Asuka couldn’t even crack a smile that their emergency rations consisted of instant ramen. Numerous lives lost—some friends, some former family—unpreventable from Wille’s end all because of the Near Third Impact, left little time for levity in these long years of battle.

Whether that boy could ever begin to mature, understanding that his sacrifices weren’t the only ones that meant something in this world, that more was at stake than just Shinji Ikari...was another thing entirely.

Sniffling, the underneath of Asuka’s eyepatch began itching. Wonderful timing, when it was best not to remove it in front of him. That physical scarring alone would simply _worsen_ Shinji’s guilt.

Rei slurped broth and noodles alike, not one to make a fuss at the taste. Whether or not this husk(?) happened to consider herself vegetarian mattered little, with immediate survival taking precedence. They would eat communal style from that same steaming bowl. To clarify matters, Asuka generously, wordlessly, gestured for Rei to go first.

A brow quirked upwards in understandable surprise. “....”

“Go ahead and eat. I can wait.” There was uncertainty in what to call this particular Ayanami Series clone. For all Asuka knew with _this_ Rei having the resolve to decide— _for herself_ —to continue living…Perhaps Asuka omitting a name actually sufficed?

Commander Ikari’s former subordinate slowly sipped from the warm broth, her eyes mutually, deeply, locking with the redhead’s.

“Ikari-kun’s gentle heart...greatly needs time to mend.”

Perhaps a deeper understanding between the three pilots would manifest, little by little. Enduring a long ‘hike’ to reach camp, to reunite with the rest of Wille, the three were in this mess—together—from here on out. With everyone’s efforts, regaining inner peace while finding the means to restore Earth to its former beauty was, crazy enough, achievable...despite many long years ahead.

Deep thoughts like this were best saved for another time. Asuka glanced at her plugsuit watch.

At 22:30 hours, she reasoned Mari  _must’ve_ regrouped with Wille, injuries on her person and Eva-08 alike being tended to. Given the sheer desperation in Nerv’s war, Mari _had_ to have been on standby in anticipation of an attack.

With Wille’s luck, with their hastily built _Wunder_ and inexperienced recruits, dangerous occurrences were sadly a given. Always at the worst possible moment.

Thoughtfully crunching on a dry noodle, Asuka’s good eye fell upon that curled up young man. Head in his lap with arms crossed against his knees, drawn into himself like a kicked puppy...He was remarkably skilled in maintaining his comfortable distance from either female.

She would’ve laughed inwardly—if she found the strength—that his plugsuit would probably freeze if he stayed that way, so statue-like and unresponsive, for much longer.

Somehow, this unfolding scene of self-pity felt oddly familiar, like deja vu…It wasn’t surprising when Shinji was the type to fall into similar patterns of self-hatred, over and over again.

“How much longer are you going to feel sorry for yourself? You were asleep for 14 years. You don’t even understand _half_ of what the last of humanity’s had to endure.”

All his fault. Not just Kaworu, but Toji...Kensuke...the class rep...All those lives, transformed into whatever those strange...beings...were, would forever lay heavy on his conscience. Helping others—honest attempts, at that—naturally ended in ruin. A simple fact he could never escape.

Bitterly smiling at the irony of that sentiment—running away—wasn’t even an option in how far his soul, his mind, his body, had gone. _I’m sure Kaworu-kun would hate me for giving up. I deserve nothing but scorn from him. From everyone._

Ironic then, that rather than scoffing in disgust, Asuka’s expression turned into one of...pity.

“I get it. You think his death was your fault, but he _was_ a puppet of Seele’s. So, why did you trust him so willingly? Did you even _know_ him that well? Do you even _know_ whether or not he was deceiving you, with whatever information that Angel fed you?”

Naturally, he naively assumed Kaworu that told him the truth. The potential for deceit and not getting the full story—whether out of genuine protection, or for more nefarious reasons—hadn’t even crossed Shinji’s mind. So…

Kaworu, near the end, mentioned something about being an Angel. The enemy. Those Shinji was ordered to defeat, for Nerv to continue protecting Lilith and humanity. Yet now, Lilith’s body long since rotted, and humanity—the Lilin—were near defeated. Besides, his _true_ enemy was…

No, he’d rather not go down that road of further self-hatred. For Kaworu’s memory, he owed his fast, best, friend _that_ much. Perhaps it was ultimately Shinji’s error, being so puffed up with anger at Misato to blindly leave with Ayanami not his Ayanami . Forming an all too fast friendship with Kaworu, that he never stopped to consider Nerv and Wille on allegedly opposing sides might’ve had _some_ very good reasoning behind it!

All his fault.

That was ultimately what everything came down to in the end. Wasn’t it?

Ayanami...The family he never knew, the family he would’ve happily grown to love in place of his father, was now long gone. And his mother...That mother he simply couldn’t remember, due to alleged tampering with his psyche at his cruel father’s hands. (In truth, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki siding with such a monster was beyond Shinji’s comprehension.)

It was Ayanami’s smile in place of hers. Ayanami’s gradual, emotional, warmth in place of hers.

Dead.

Factoring in the weight of this dead world on his shoulders, plus two who truly cared— _loved_ —him in these past 14 years? The answer was quite simple.

“All I can do is hurt people! If so, I'd rather do nothing!”

Everyone was truly going to die, soon enough, and there was no way out. Whatever schemes his father had, Shinji and Kaworu alike fell into his trap painfully easy. Nothing could be done to prevent the inevitable end.

With Eva-01 silent for reasons further beyond Shinji’s comprehension, it would take an absolute miracle for the _AAA Wunder_ and their remaining Evas to somehow save everyone.

“Quit acting so goddamn _defeatist_! I’m trying to be nice to you!” Hoisting Shinji up, her teeth grit while she clutched the front of his plugsuit with an angry first. Asuka was definitely glaring, now.

“You're still alive, aren't you? Then why don't you try harder before you die?!”

“.....” Staring into the void of that red, red, sand, illuminated by the flames of their humble fire, was the safest route. That way, he wouldn't have meet her accusations nor rage contained within her good eye— _no doubt also his fault_. Avoidance: a classic, weak, form of self protection.

_“Don’t make that face. We’ll meet again, Shinji-kun.”_

“She’s right, you know.” To lessen awkward tensions, Rei—within herself, did she _truly_ feel comfortable with that name? Rei Ayanami: the name of another self that she couldn’t remember?—politely declined to use Asuka’s first or last name.

“Ikari-kun, you’re giving up on our fight before it has even begun.”

_...Our…?_

This...Ayanami(?) _wanted_ to stay by his side. By all implications, she wanted to stay by Asuka, too. With Rei’s straightforward comment, Shinji’s former roommate loosened her death grip, Shinji reclaiming his place among the dirt he felt naturally a part of.

Yet, something about Ayanami’s words…

“Please, eat.” It wasn’t only that freshly dipped ramen bowl, transferred from Rei’s outstretched hands into Shinji’s shakily accepting own, that caused warmth to spread within him.

Having taken a seat on the sands, Asuka’s hand—silently, patiently—lay atop his own while Shinji quietly sipped that technically unhealthy yet strangely fulfilling soup. Boldly for a brief minute, assuming he’d gradually find himself in their good graces, perhaps he could advise Wille’s staff on healthy and portable options for their rations.

Something about Asuka’s physical warmth, too…Their fingers ever so slowly interlacing and the natural body heat from their plug suits soothed something indescribable, deep within his soul.

Both of his fellow Eva pilots were right. There was _nothing_ for him to feel guilty about in finding camaraderie, despite his otherwise feeling utterly lost.

_“—It’s delicious.”_

To see her smile, her curiosity about life, once more...There was much work to be done.

Shinji’s eyes met theirs both, as he...smiled. “Thank you, Asuka.” A pause, before: “Ayanami.”

Sighing before rolling her eye, Asuka smiled in turn, while the tiniest of uncertain—yet sincere—smiles made its way across Rei’s lips, too.

Just maybe, with their inner strength...Shinji could gather his courage and apologize to Misato. Truthfully, it was that boy’s secret, deep-seated, inner hope.

Mere hours later,

after withholding pent up sobs and frustrations from potentially losing him—having _wanted_ to believe in Shinji—Misato, in a mess of purple flowing hair, began bridging their emotional gap through the tightest of embraces.

Within Misato’s hug, Shinji’s stunted frame from fourteen years of deep sleep and the Curse of Eva began to wrack with relieved sobs. Asuka and Rei watched from the sidelines. Their eyes met in an uncertain glance—still filled with genuine trust, provided neither pilot would have reason to break it.


End file.
